So much to say

Day 23 - Monday, January 23, 2012


First, I just want to say I can't stand DMB. Like, second most overrated band EVER, sorry Jay. (BTW, Metallica is number one.) However, I can't say "so much to say" without that darn chorus getting stuck in my head, so now it's your problem too.


Secondly, I'm proud of myself. Even though I've been dodging "Karen" for two years, I walked in the door today and didn't leave when my stomach started to ache, and my head started to hurt. (Anxiety anyone?) 


Thirdly, I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I did kind of psych myself out of doing this Rx. There weren't anymore 14lb wall balls available (so sad) so I had to scale down to the 10 pounder. Watching my amazing partner crank through her 150, and how difficult it was, and seeing other people down the line struggle through it, I started with self doubt. I can't do 150 of these. What was I thinking? I can't do 100 squats, let alone 150 squats, let alone 150 squats with a weighted ball and having to throw the darn thing up to hit a target on the wall. What am I doing here? So as Eric was walking down the line, getting people set up for the second heat, with a tear in my eye I told him I couldn't do 150 of these. And he said, "then don't." Um. Ok? So I shot for 100. And I did the 100. With Desiree cheering me through every one. Sucking wind. Wanting to cry. But I did them. 100. Not 150. I finished in 8:25, which is more time than many people took to do 150. However. There was one guy, Jeff, who kept working to get in the 150 even though it took him almost 15 minutes. And everyone was cheering for him. Encouraging him. Getting him back to the wall. I kind of feel like I should have kept going.  


Fourthly, I know why I didn't keep going. I don't want people cheering for me. Being the last one finished, for me, isn't about having the worst time. It's about not wanting people watching me. Judging me. Knowing that I'm the slowest, fattest, least fittest. Knowing people are focused on me, and my ineptitude. I know this isn't what the ACF/CCP community is about. I know it's about support and encouragement. However, a lifetime worth of judgement and teasing and bullying about my weight has tainted my view. Just having the fear that one of those people watching is secretly thinking to themselves, why is this girl here. She can't do this stuff. I'm ready to go and I'm stuck cheering for this slob who can't get herself together and put down the pie. This is something I'm going to have to work on. Blogging as therapy?


Finally, I just want to thank the rest of the 90 day challengers for being so supportive and open with commiseration and inspiration so far. It's really been easy to forget this is a "contest" with amazing prizes. I've also made some new friends, and started to open up with other athletes, getting over my shyness. Seeing their faces and reading about their struggles and successes in their blogs and on the challenge group has made it easier for me to approach them. (Ok, that might be creepy.) Just, thank you. And I'm sorry for the awful earwig.


Onto the boring stuff...
Food:
Breakfast - orange
Lunch - chipotle and orange grilled chicken, brown rice (which I later regretted when I was mid-afternoon fighting the vending machine visit craving)
Dinner - Pulled pork with maple barbecue sauce, sweet potato tater tots
Snack - paleo cupcake with dark Hershey's kiss


Workout:
I: AMRAP double unders (um, none. But I did practice singles and worked on getting my heels down)
II: Karen - 150 Wall Balls (10lb ball, scaled to 100: 8:25)
III: 3 sets max rep pull-ups (9,9,8 ring rows)